It's not really about the eating disorder is it?
Beneath this, there's just this person who doesnt want to live. Or doesnt know how.
Otherwise, please. I wish i know why i want to kill myself. That i would do the most bizzare, unthinkable things. That i would want to keep hurting myself. That i would keep testing myself to how much suffering and physical pain i can take. That my secret desire is to s* my own future?! That i think i dont really want to suceed. That i dont want to be happy...?
I binge and purge all day now. I keep hating myself for feeling like a slave to food. There is no dignity at all. I have to beg for food. I have to clean up after myself. My face and limbs are bloated. I ve gained 3 kg in a day. Everytime before i bend over and heave, i feel so much dread, fear and anxiety. I think about not being able to throw up thoroughly, i wonder if i end up mid-way through this purge i ll stumble back into the kitchen to binge again.
I ve got exams in a week.
Do i try to starve all through the morning so i can at least get some study? Then again, what's the point cos i don't think my brain's working.
I want to kill myself without having to do it myself, anyone know what i mean?
Monday, November 16, 2009
Thursday, November 12, 2009
drugs and food
sigh. Its raining and i m stuck in school. Yup and with food. I m not too terribly embarrassed with the bags of food though. I think i m used to having to pretend i m bagging food for some party or arming with donations or food rations to going to feed a nation of starving families at the salvation army...
Last night i lied to my group mates. Truth i was busy bingeing and purging. Too busy to attend the important project meeting. Well, i couldnt have done much. Most of the project modelling have been done by them. The two china chinese students give me the impression this is their project and having to explain to me is somewhat more of a hassle.
I was watching the oprah show. I m a sucker for such shows. And reality shows too. This episode struck a chord with me. It was a celebrity who had a drug addiction. Suddenly i kinda realise. I m an addict. A hard core food addict. I mean, i could be caught shoplifting at NTUC or something, like how she was arrested "busted" for cocaine possession. She was so desperate. A moment's folly and she had to pay a heavy price. The humiliation and all. But she acknowledged that she is grateful. For all that, at the end of the day, she was actually "saved" by the police. She says she does not consider this as a relapse. The drug hadnt touched her lips. She says she knows that there would be no end if she had. Then two years of sobriety would have been broken and all that rehab, the sessions, the support groups, the effort, the respect (and custody as well)from her children she had worked so hard for would have been wasted.
Then she spoke of how addicts are often punished. How they are always criticised and faced with so much reproach and anger for what they have done. Like "how could you do this, we love you so much..." Folks need to realise that addicts need to be helped lovingly. That all this anger is not going to help.
Like her, i dont know why.
Its easier and harder with food.
Last night i lied to my group mates. Truth i was busy bingeing and purging. Too busy to attend the important project meeting. Well, i couldnt have done much. Most of the project modelling have been done by them. The two china chinese students give me the impression this is their project and having to explain to me is somewhat more of a hassle.
I was watching the oprah show. I m a sucker for such shows. And reality shows too. This episode struck a chord with me. It was a celebrity who had a drug addiction. Suddenly i kinda realise. I m an addict. A hard core food addict. I mean, i could be caught shoplifting at NTUC or something, like how she was arrested "busted" for cocaine possession. She was so desperate. A moment's folly and she had to pay a heavy price. The humiliation and all. But she acknowledged that she is grateful. For all that, at the end of the day, she was actually "saved" by the police. She says she does not consider this as a relapse. The drug hadnt touched her lips. She says she knows that there would be no end if she had. Then two years of sobriety would have been broken and all that rehab, the sessions, the support groups, the effort, the respect (and custody as well)from her children she had worked so hard for would have been wasted.
Then she spoke of how addicts are often punished. How they are always criticised and faced with so much reproach and anger for what they have done. Like "how could you do this, we love you so much..." Folks need to realise that addicts need to be helped lovingly. That all this anger is not going to help.
Like her, i dont know why.
Its easier and harder with food.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
head's pumped with helium
I dont think people who were never ill can ever understand an eating disorder. It doesnt make sense.
Sister says you know we love you. Honestly, i dont think i know this for a fact. Another is that i have no capacity to love anyone or anything other this ed.
Living now feels like i m drifting around like a ghost. Life doesnt feel real. My head is light and my mind feels like marcoroni soup.
I have been bingeing and purging everyday. Past two days i realised i was able to cut down to about 4-5 hours instead of 6-7. Guess that meant i ve got more rest. Sometimes i m so weak with hunger, then when i m bingeing i m so uncomfortably stuffed, i cant bend over. I dont stop eating till i cant breathe.
I reckon my shallow breathing is from a lack of energy and this causes more fatigue. Generally i m lethargic, and i only look forward to going home when i m free to recharge temporarily with another binge and purge.
The frequent bingeing makes me feel sick of food but yet i cant tolerate hunger for long.
I doubt i ll ever get better. I dont think i m ever going to let go. I ll be forever this fearful girl who doesnt want to grow up. Who wants to hide. Who is afraid of rejection, failure and all that living a life is all about. Who is so convinced that escape and death is easier.
Considering making this blog a private one, there's really no point making my thoughts public. I ve already lost my voice. There aint hope left.
Sister says you know we love you. Honestly, i dont think i know this for a fact. Another is that i have no capacity to love anyone or anything other this ed.
Living now feels like i m drifting around like a ghost. Life doesnt feel real. My head is light and my mind feels like marcoroni soup.
I have been bingeing and purging everyday. Past two days i realised i was able to cut down to about 4-5 hours instead of 6-7. Guess that meant i ve got more rest. Sometimes i m so weak with hunger, then when i m bingeing i m so uncomfortably stuffed, i cant bend over. I dont stop eating till i cant breathe.
I reckon my shallow breathing is from a lack of energy and this causes more fatigue. Generally i m lethargic, and i only look forward to going home when i m free to recharge temporarily with another binge and purge.
The frequent bingeing makes me feel sick of food but yet i cant tolerate hunger for long.
I doubt i ll ever get better. I dont think i m ever going to let go. I ll be forever this fearful girl who doesnt want to grow up. Who wants to hide. Who is afraid of rejection, failure and all that living a life is all about. Who is so convinced that escape and death is easier.
Considering making this blog a private one, there's really no point making my thoughts public. I ve already lost my voice. There aint hope left.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
writings of a maniac
I know where all this can jolly well lead to. My parents tell me to get admitted. I know, the only way that make me eat sensibly is to get admitted. I need energy to start being able to think, to sit straight, to take all the lethargy away.
I cant give up now. I wish i could just get admitted and discharged and be able to return to school on monday. My main concern is that school-going would be disrupted.
I feel so ashamed. Meeting friends at the hospital at outpatient clinics. It's just so obvious i m not doing well now.
I can no longer cope with the little screw-ups. I can no longer hold all the emotions in. There is just no more strength and patience in me. Yesterday, i just had a major outburst with my sister. She brought instant noodles to the room to eat. The air-con is on and i thought we already discussed this before. She is always so inconsiderate, so un-mindful about living with other people. Told her off and she's picking on the things that i do are 'inconsiderate' instead. Because i binge and purge and it stinks it is justifiable that she allows the room to reek of food, which irks me cos i ve just binged and purged the next thing i wanna think about is food again. (It doesnt matter that i try to wipe the floor of spots and splatters, wash the cloth and trough, and place the table back in place after washing a pileful of dishes in the sink, and spray the air refreshener...) she says i stink up the place with my vomiting and that i also eat nuts (that dont smell??).
I just know what the doctors will say. admission recommended. but i cant now. Not in the middle of the year. I just cant give up all the effort i ve put already. The second year has been tougher than the first. The first i pulled off, i started tailing off towards the end of the year. Then the holidays allowed me free reign and thank god for the long holidays for it gave me time to focus on recovery. But somehow i know that i havent really totally let go when school started. It was a wobbly start somehow... i started faltering a little when school started... then when things got stressful with tests... i started bingeing and purging again. And once it starts there is no end. To cut the long story short, i m now in a sorry state again.
i ve got no one to come to my rescue anymore. I think my parents have sorta given up trying to help. No one in my family really cares. I ve only got myself to depend on. Everyone for their own selves. I look at my sisters, they seem to be coping fine. At least they are living sensibly and functional. So they have the energy to make friends and be liked and pursue other interests. Then i suppose my maid tends to be more affectionate with my sensible sisters.
I feel like leaving this house. The only way i can stop this is to get into a new environment. I need a change. Perhaps that would help me eat more normally. I dont know, i just really feel so much hostility when i m at home now. I feel so hated, so ashamed at home. So unwanted so unwelcomed. I wish i could just die now. Jump and give the innocent folks at home a break.
I dont know why i m so caught up with not allowing myself to eat. Is this really because i fear weight gain? Its true that i ve started weighing myself after every purge cos i ve started to fear the repercussion of having eaten all the junk food and not having thoroughly purged.
Once i start cutinng back, its impossible to eat the same amount i ate before again. One day i skipped breakfast, the next day it becomes tough to eat breakfast. Two slices become one... and lunch is reduced to one slice of bread and fruit....
Now i m feeling really giddy and i feel like chewing on seeds for energy. But even that i m afraid i would put on a lot of weight cos i might just sleep soon...
I cant give up now. I wish i could just get admitted and discharged and be able to return to school on monday. My main concern is that school-going would be disrupted.
I feel so ashamed. Meeting friends at the hospital at outpatient clinics. It's just so obvious i m not doing well now.
I can no longer cope with the little screw-ups. I can no longer hold all the emotions in. There is just no more strength and patience in me. Yesterday, i just had a major outburst with my sister. She brought instant noodles to the room to eat. The air-con is on and i thought we already discussed this before. She is always so inconsiderate, so un-mindful about living with other people. Told her off and she's picking on the things that i do are 'inconsiderate' instead. Because i binge and purge and it stinks it is justifiable that she allows the room to reek of food, which irks me cos i ve just binged and purged the next thing i wanna think about is food again. (It doesnt matter that i try to wipe the floor of spots and splatters, wash the cloth and trough, and place the table back in place after washing a pileful of dishes in the sink, and spray the air refreshener...) she says i stink up the place with my vomiting and that i also eat nuts (that dont smell??).
I just know what the doctors will say. admission recommended. but i cant now. Not in the middle of the year. I just cant give up all the effort i ve put already. The second year has been tougher than the first. The first i pulled off, i started tailing off towards the end of the year. Then the holidays allowed me free reign and thank god for the long holidays for it gave me time to focus on recovery. But somehow i know that i havent really totally let go when school started. It was a wobbly start somehow... i started faltering a little when school started... then when things got stressful with tests... i started bingeing and purging again. And once it starts there is no end. To cut the long story short, i m now in a sorry state again.
i ve got no one to come to my rescue anymore. I think my parents have sorta given up trying to help. No one in my family really cares. I ve only got myself to depend on. Everyone for their own selves. I look at my sisters, they seem to be coping fine. At least they are living sensibly and functional. So they have the energy to make friends and be liked and pursue other interests. Then i suppose my maid tends to be more affectionate with my sensible sisters.
I feel like leaving this house. The only way i can stop this is to get into a new environment. I need a change. Perhaps that would help me eat more normally. I dont know, i just really feel so much hostility when i m at home now. I feel so hated, so ashamed at home. So unwanted so unwelcomed. I wish i could just die now. Jump and give the innocent folks at home a break.
I dont know why i m so caught up with not allowing myself to eat. Is this really because i fear weight gain? Its true that i ve started weighing myself after every purge cos i ve started to fear the repercussion of having eaten all the junk food and not having thoroughly purged.
Once i start cutinng back, its impossible to eat the same amount i ate before again. One day i skipped breakfast, the next day it becomes tough to eat breakfast. Two slices become one... and lunch is reduced to one slice of bread and fruit....
Now i m feeling really giddy and i feel like chewing on seeds for energy. But even that i m afraid i would put on a lot of weight cos i might just sleep soon...
Monday, October 5, 2009
need an automated answering machine
This is one of the days i m in a mood to write.
How has my life become to be like this. Seeing doctors, psychiatric appointments are things i do now. Part of the routine like going to school. Have i ever considered that in getting well i can be free of all this?
I ve been thinking how it's possible i can live with an eating disorder. To go on with my life, to carry on going to school and pretend i m normal. To have this secret double life. Having done that over the months seem to make me believe that i might be able to do this. Of course, people around me dont. The doctors are certainly waiting for the day i collapse and concede defeat. I dont know why no matter how i try to abuse myself my body just doesnt give up. It starts breaking down at times, and i get freaked out but i quickly learn it's just a scare.
I refuse to relax. I am always in this controlled tense mode. I dont eat normally. I just dont want to.
Sometimes i just feel really exhausted you know. Like after a purge, who wants to go out to the mall. Who would feel like a normal meal? Who would even think of eating? Anyone talks to me, i answer in my head cos i m just too tired to open my mouth to speak. I just wait for them to get angry, impatient, and let them yell at me. Eventually they ll go away. Although with dad sometimes, he just doesnt and i get really scared he might just burst and do something drastic.
I wish i had my own space sometimes. Some peace and quiet. I dont mean to be deliberately hostile, rude.. whatever they think but i honestly just lack the strength. Physically and emotionally. I just dont want to go anywhere or do anything. These days, i bathe like once in three days. (to save water bills as well, since i m wasting money on the binge/purges)
I hate myself. I know its awkward to go out with me. Why be in their way of having good family time? I know they can never be themselves around me and i hate myself for having stolen that from them. Its not fair to them.
And so i just want to feel pain. To feel the cold water of every shower, to feel the cold hard floor against my protruding bones, to see the blood ooze from the scars i pick at, to see the blood from my nose... to feel the gnawing hunger and then the pains of the distented stomach, to taste the bitter sour acids of my puke, to stuff myself with all the left-over cheap junk food.
How has my life become to be like this. Seeing doctors, psychiatric appointments are things i do now. Part of the routine like going to school. Have i ever considered that in getting well i can be free of all this?
I ve been thinking how it's possible i can live with an eating disorder. To go on with my life, to carry on going to school and pretend i m normal. To have this secret double life. Having done that over the months seem to make me believe that i might be able to do this. Of course, people around me dont. The doctors are certainly waiting for the day i collapse and concede defeat. I dont know why no matter how i try to abuse myself my body just doesnt give up. It starts breaking down at times, and i get freaked out but i quickly learn it's just a scare.
I refuse to relax. I am always in this controlled tense mode. I dont eat normally. I just dont want to.
Sometimes i just feel really exhausted you know. Like after a purge, who wants to go out to the mall. Who would feel like a normal meal? Who would even think of eating? Anyone talks to me, i answer in my head cos i m just too tired to open my mouth to speak. I just wait for them to get angry, impatient, and let them yell at me. Eventually they ll go away. Although with dad sometimes, he just doesnt and i get really scared he might just burst and do something drastic.
I wish i had my own space sometimes. Some peace and quiet. I dont mean to be deliberately hostile, rude.. whatever they think but i honestly just lack the strength. Physically and emotionally. I just dont want to go anywhere or do anything. These days, i bathe like once in three days. (to save water bills as well, since i m wasting money on the binge/purges)
I hate myself. I know its awkward to go out with me. Why be in their way of having good family time? I know they can never be themselves around me and i hate myself for having stolen that from them. Its not fair to them.
And so i just want to feel pain. To feel the cold water of every shower, to feel the cold hard floor against my protruding bones, to see the blood ooze from the scars i pick at, to see the blood from my nose... to feel the gnawing hunger and then the pains of the distented stomach, to taste the bitter sour acids of my puke, to stuff myself with all the left-over cheap junk food.
Monday, September 7, 2009
I only want people i love to love me back
I feel really sad.
Tried studying hard for the management accounting test today but somehow i dont know why i just cant recall the formulas at my fingertips. My mind just really clouds up and suddenly i get this headache and i cant think clearly. It happened when i did financial accounting last sem. Just by reading the first question, i feel like giving up already. The words are familiar but they just dont mean anything to me. These accounting terms read to me like a different language. I would be able to understand them when i m studying but i cant seem to comprehend or make any association with them under test conditions... I feel utterly disappointed. I ve been parying hard too...
I dont really TRY to make any effort to eat right anymore. Since the day i saw my psychologist and she asked me point blank about my committment towards recovery. FULL committment. I didnt dare to give an answer. After so many times of failing, i dont have any confidence or the self-assurance to make promises. I know very well, too, that all this time i havent totally let go. I cant and i dont know why. I dont want to and i wish i could. Because i wonder if i will be happier without it. And then because i wonder if i would be disappointed and get a tight slap on my face when i realise how cruel life can be.
Mum just notices how thin i am. I wish she doesnt. Why doesnt she get it. That all this is just the manifestation of a sad person inside. Who wants to look this thin? I dont even think i m attractive and look good getting thinner. I am increasingly aware and made so conscious now i ve stopped wearing short sleeved or skimpier clothes. I really dont want to look this way if i can help it. I dont see my mum in two weeks and say how fat or how thin or how her body has changed... it doesnt matter to me, i only care about whether she's been well or happy. Why doesnt she just ask about ME? about how i am. I would rather she talks to me. I know she is worried, but why focus on the appearance. If i had healthful spirit i wouldnt look like that. Honestly, i just feel so much pain. I dont even think i deserve to live. I look at my mum and i feel even worse for causing her to worry and making her sad. I just wished she could stop worrying and trying to help me by talking about weight, supplements and eating... it just doesnt help. It is not her fault and she doesnt have to be on her toes all the time around me if she just really shows her genuine concern. I wished she stopped using "afraid of trigering me" as an excuse to have a heart to heart talk.
I only want people i love to love me back.
Tried studying hard for the management accounting test today but somehow i dont know why i just cant recall the formulas at my fingertips. My mind just really clouds up and suddenly i get this headache and i cant think clearly. It happened when i did financial accounting last sem. Just by reading the first question, i feel like giving up already. The words are familiar but they just dont mean anything to me. These accounting terms read to me like a different language. I would be able to understand them when i m studying but i cant seem to comprehend or make any association with them under test conditions... I feel utterly disappointed. I ve been parying hard too...
I dont really TRY to make any effort to eat right anymore. Since the day i saw my psychologist and she asked me point blank about my committment towards recovery. FULL committment. I didnt dare to give an answer. After so many times of failing, i dont have any confidence or the self-assurance to make promises. I know very well, too, that all this time i havent totally let go. I cant and i dont know why. I dont want to and i wish i could. Because i wonder if i will be happier without it. And then because i wonder if i would be disappointed and get a tight slap on my face when i realise how cruel life can be.
Mum just notices how thin i am. I wish she doesnt. Why doesnt she get it. That all this is just the manifestation of a sad person inside. Who wants to look this thin? I dont even think i m attractive and look good getting thinner. I am increasingly aware and made so conscious now i ve stopped wearing short sleeved or skimpier clothes. I really dont want to look this way if i can help it. I dont see my mum in two weeks and say how fat or how thin or how her body has changed... it doesnt matter to me, i only care about whether she's been well or happy. Why doesnt she just ask about ME? about how i am. I would rather she talks to me. I know she is worried, but why focus on the appearance. If i had healthful spirit i wouldnt look like that. Honestly, i just feel so much pain. I dont even think i deserve to live. I look at my mum and i feel even worse for causing her to worry and making her sad. I just wished she could stop worrying and trying to help me by talking about weight, supplements and eating... it just doesnt help. It is not her fault and she doesnt have to be on her toes all the time around me if she just really shows her genuine concern. I wished she stopped using "afraid of trigering me" as an excuse to have a heart to heart talk.
I only want people i love to love me back.
finally some pics
Been trying to upload to some pictures but i think there was some problem with the blog site. Finally able to do that today.
The horlicks doggie cookies that looked really cute. We did that during baking session more than a month ago when i was still in the day program. In the end, they were all smashed and stuck together in the takeaway container. I remembered that it was a bad day. Tried lugging that "doggy" bag of biscuits (the chocolate bits were melting after the baking in the oven) with cartons of supplements home. Anyway.. in the end, it became quite a pitiful sight. It sorta stayed in the fridge for a long time until i binged on them about a week later.
Took this on the way home from outing to the mall with my maid and thought this was really funny. If you really think about the statement, doesnt that mean we can actually make "payment" in court? In that case i wouldnt mind getting arrested cos i ll lose nothing anyway in getting caught for shoplifting at this particular shop. In fact, the shop owner would lose more in having to pay for getting me persecuted!
The horlicks doggie cookies that looked really cute. We did that during baking session more than a month ago when i was still in the day program. In the end, they were all smashed and stuck together in the takeaway container. I remembered that it was a bad day. Tried lugging that "doggy" bag of biscuits (the chocolate bits were melting after the baking in the oven) with cartons of supplements home. Anyway.. in the end, it became quite a pitiful sight. It sorta stayed in the fridge for a long time until i binged on them about a week later.
Took this on the way home from outing to the mall with my maid and thought this was really funny. If you really think about the statement, doesnt that mean we can actually make "payment" in court? In that case i wouldnt mind getting arrested cos i ll lose nothing anyway in getting caught for shoplifting at this particular shop. In fact, the shop owner would lose more in having to pay for getting me persecuted!
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